S.F

There is no simple or easy way to explain how much I love you. I try so hard but all I end up doing is crying. I love you for all the reason I can think of.
I love you without reason. I love you the most any given person can love another. But it feels like more. In a sea of faces, you’re all I see. I don't think I will ever feel a more aching, all-consuming love for anyone at all. Not now, not never. Our love was like a carnival in it's early days: knots in our tummies, raced hearts, sweaty palms, giggles, measured conversations, awkward silences, held breaths.

And then we mourned in the middle where we thought the passion was lost.

But then we came back to each other. We realized the passion wasn't lost. I realized the passion wasn't lost or gone or forsaken by either of us.

It only became quieter, softer and calmer now. It had seeped into our bloods, creeped into our bones, crawled into every inch of our every vein. It became a part of who I was and who you were. We became a part of us.

I love you selflessly, selfishly. I love you unconditionally and for all time. I’ve memorized you but it's still not enough. You'll always be the one to destroy me, shred me to pieces. push/push/push me further and further towards the edge. You'll always be the one to save me, pull/pull/pull me in, where I am home and I am safe. You have taught me so many magnificent things, and above all, you've shown me that I am worthy of your love and you are more than worthy of mine. You numb me yet you're the only one that shakes my core thus.

You are my only constant. xx

to you

I'm sorry I walked out on you before. I will never forgive myself even if you forgive me which you won't ever and I don't expect you to. I'm sorry I walked out on you because when I walked out on you I walked out on myself too. I know it doesn't mean anything that I came back and maybe you don't even care about me anymore but I want to be here now. I want to be here until we finish what we started. I admit I was stupid for leaving you and for leaving us behind and I admit I'm being stupid now by coming back and thinking you'll forgive me for letting you face everything alone for so long but I'm sorry. I'm really fucking sorry and all I want to do is hold you and tell you that I'm sorry until you tell me that everything is alright again. I don't think that will ever happen though, I read your blog all the time and not once have I not cried reading it. I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry 

disgusting

how am I supposed to tell you? how am I supposed to tell you that I miss you all the time? how am I supposed to tell you that every single second we spend apart I want to run? run to your house and knock and knock and knock on your door only to have no one answer it? how am I supposed to tell you that when you're not here I feel like I can't breathe? how am I supposed to tell you that when you're not here I feel like I'm choking and my organs and bones are aching and my lungs are bursting? how am I supposed to tell you that without you there I can't eat I can't sleep I can't think straight? how am I supposed to tell you that when you're not with me I feel like I can't do anything and I feel like I am not loved? how am I supposed to tell you that when you are gone I just sit there helpless and hopeless? how am I supposed to tell you that when you are gone all I do is wait for you to come back? how am I supposed to tell you that without you I feel worthless and ugly and useless and pathetic and disgusting? how am I supposed to tell you that when you are here I feel safe and comfortable? how am I supposed to tell you that when you are here I want to cry? cry because I know you will be gone soon? how am I supposed to tell you that when you're near I want to die right there and then so I don't have to watch you leave? how am I supposed to tell you that when you are here I am home and I don't feel alone anymore? I can't find the right words so here is a chunk of sappy adolescent bullshit I managed to vomit out of my system to tell you that I really do fucking love you and I will wait here for you even though I feel like death and I miss you even when you're here and I don't know what to do with myself.

xx