Notice

As I live the hours, I start to notice things I never did. Like how the train seems to move faster after a certain station, and how I can never recall my journey home. The ache in my right knee echoes the ache in my head. Petrified of how uncertain things are now. I seem to be wading ankle deep in you. Question is, should I venture? Into the cracks and fissures where I might only find subliminal traces of the sun and subtle hints of evolution? I guess that question needs to answer itself. It's not rhetorical though. Bought a May 1999 issue of The Face, along with an issue of CREAM yesterday, planning to re-do my walls. We grow out of certain people on our walls and in our fears. Glad that I can finally look at you in peace instead of longing or contempt. Glad that I was the one who brought myself out of the mess, from begging for you on the bathroom floor to walking past you without even noticing your presence. We are never only born once. Is life not about constant rebirth? The opposite of death is not life, it is birth. 

convenience

why love someone out of convenience? why love someone out of ease instead of an all consuming, blood-curdling passion? why love someone only to grapple with fleering looks? why pick a person dressed in piteous chambray over an orrery of dreams and impossible fascinations? why vomit rehearsed conversations of loving pity when you could emanate all anathema indubitably born out of a desperate sense of longing for the other being? not just the physical body you wrangle with your bare hands but that soul, a surreal suspended fermata of everything you ever yearned for and pined after, an overflowing fountain of endless belief and meaning, ever sinuous, ever anfractuous, the monad of, you.

random rant

Pathetic and sad how we're not taught anything worth anything in school. Doesnt matter how long you're "educated" or what institution you're "educated" in, you're put through the system either way. I know that real education is a privilege not an obligation or a birth right, but how much of this "education" isn't about force-feeding information down children's throats? The last time I checked, education was about realizing and respecting each individual's potential through exposure to knowledge, not hard-jamming of personally irrelevant but socially-perceived "important" information into people's brains. It's an open secret that the "education" that we are put through is just a 12 year guide book invisibly named "How to survive the system 101 (for dummies)". Don't get me wrong, I am thankful for my academic knowledge (or else I wouldn't even be able to type this) but this is just my opinion on the rigid system with a euphemistic name. Instead of learning relevant skills, emotions, scenarios or ideas, we are forced to memorize information in chunks and then responsible for regurgitating them on paper. A walk through any school before an examination would be greeted with desperate cries of "Oh shit I can't remember anything" "I'm just going to wing it" "I'm going to fail" or the likes(many of which are accompanied by a chain of expletives). We're "taught" to "remember this, (even though it might be completely irrelevant to your life) this is important because it's going to be tested" and after the major exam we find out that we haven't learnt anything worth anything at all. This "education" we speak of is nothing but a process of moving from a cage to another cage, where we seemingly "promote" and should we fail to memorize and engage in word vomit adequately, we're subjected to the dreaded fate of "retaining" where you stay in the previous cage and watch every other bird fly to the next cage as you live with the label of "retainee" (or the other fancy names that some institutions have given it in the most pathetic attempt to make them feel better about themselves). This "education" has created these labels along with separating institutions according to academic merit (ITE, polytechnics, JCs) that have magically become the benchmarks for intelligence and intellect. Filtering. That's what they call this process. Just a fancy name to differentiate the bad apples from the good. Since when did academic success/being book smart (aka being able to memorize and take a good long figurative crap on paper) determine good apples? Also, I get really puzzled when I hear the terms "neighborhood school" or ITE or polytechnic being used as a derogatory stereotype to describe a collective that is not the socially-accepted "book-smart". I know tons of people who are from these "neighborhood schools" or ITE or polytechnics that know so much more about what really matters in this world than just contents in lecture notes and I think they deserve so much more respect than they're getting right now. I was not from a "neighborhood school" but I'm not book smart at all, and I'm hardly achieving much academic success, and the little voice in my head goes "or maybe that's because I'm stupid" (see what I mean?). I also get very frustrated when I hear people say "Arts students have no future" because it simply isn't true. This is precisely what I mean when I say that "education" has created this false ideal of a "future" that has made every one of us products of society who are servants to this ideal. What if I don't want a big house or a stable job? What if I'm happy dropping out of school at 13 and being a painter on the street? Who, besides the individual himself, really has the right to decide or judge what/how the individual learns and in what kind of institution? This is an endless argument but this is just a random rant so I'm just going to conclude with the thought that what schools don't teach you is how to be street-smart, how to survive the "real world" fraught with intricacies or fundamental human emotions or values such as empathy. I feel that the "education" system should focus more on realizing the deep-seated passions of each individual learner by equipping them with the material they need, and create a generation which is not only truly happy but healthy too, instead of just creating carbon copies of uninterested and overworked students with too much on their plates who are trained to recite each word of every dog-eared lecture book. 

used to think that people who contemplated suicide were stupid. now I understand.

S.F

There is no simple or easy way to explain how much I love you. I try so hard but all I end up doing is crying. I love you for all the reason I can think of.
I love you without reason. I love you the most any given person can love another. But it feels like more. In a sea of faces, you’re all I see. I don't think I will ever feel a more aching, all-consuming love for anyone at all. Not now, not never. Our love was like a carnival in it's early days: knots in our tummies, raced hearts, sweaty palms, giggles, measured conversations, awkward silences, held breaths.

And then we mourned in the middle where we thought the passion was lost.

But then we came back to each other. We realized the passion wasn't lost. I realized the passion wasn't lost or gone or forsaken by either of us.

It only became quieter, softer and calmer now. It had seeped into our bloods, creeped into our bones, crawled into every inch of our every vein. It became a part of who I was and who you were. We became a part of us.

I love you selflessly, selfishly. I love you unconditionally and for all time. I’ve memorized you but it's still not enough. You'll always be the one to destroy me, shred me to pieces. push/push/push me further and further towards the edge. You'll always be the one to save me, pull/pull/pull me in, where I am home and I am safe. You have taught me so many magnificent things, and above all, you've shown me that I am worthy of your love and you are more than worthy of mine. You numb me yet you're the only one that shakes my core thus.

You are my only constant. xx

to you

I'm sorry I walked out on you before. I will never forgive myself even if you forgive me which you won't ever and I don't expect you to. I'm sorry I walked out on you because when I walked out on you I walked out on myself too. I know it doesn't mean anything that I came back and maybe you don't even care about me anymore but I want to be here now. I want to be here until we finish what we started. I admit I was stupid for leaving you and for leaving us behind and I admit I'm being stupid now by coming back and thinking you'll forgive me for letting you face everything alone for so long but I'm sorry. I'm really fucking sorry and all I want to do is hold you and tell you that I'm sorry until you tell me that everything is alright again. I don't think that will ever happen though, I read your blog all the time and not once have I not cried reading it. I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry 

disgusting

how am I supposed to tell you? how am I supposed to tell you that I miss you all the time? how am I supposed to tell you that every single second we spend apart I want to run? run to your house and knock and knock and knock on your door only to have no one answer it? how am I supposed to tell you that when you're not here I feel like I can't breathe? how am I supposed to tell you that when you're not here I feel like I'm choking and my organs and bones are aching and my lungs are bursting? how am I supposed to tell you that without you there I can't eat I can't sleep I can't think straight? how am I supposed to tell you that when you're not with me I feel like I can't do anything and I feel like I am not loved? how am I supposed to tell you that when you are gone I just sit there helpless and hopeless? how am I supposed to tell you that when you are gone all I do is wait for you to come back? how am I supposed to tell you that without you I feel worthless and ugly and useless and pathetic and disgusting? how am I supposed to tell you that when you are here I feel safe and comfortable? how am I supposed to tell you that when you are here I want to cry? cry because I know you will be gone soon? how am I supposed to tell you that when you're near I want to die right there and then so I don't have to watch you leave? how am I supposed to tell you that when you are here I am home and I don't feel alone anymore? I can't find the right words so here is a chunk of sappy adolescent bullshit I managed to vomit out of my system to tell you that I really do fucking love you and I will wait here for you even though I feel like death and I miss you even when you're here and I don't know what to do with myself.

xx