x

xx

not a very happy new year

not excited for the new year at all. I don't have resolutions. is it weird that I'm not pissed off by the heavy downpour? I think a part of me will always know rejection like it happened yesterday. all I need to remember in the new year is that I need to remember. remember to forget. remember to love. rain rain rain. I need to hate people more. be a bigger bitch so everyone leaves me alone. did you know that the Caspian Tiger was the third largest tiger species. The last of this tiger was seen in 1970, after which it was been declared amongst the extinct animal species. The tiger was found on the lands on Iran, Iraq, Afghanistan, Turkey, Mongolia, Kazakhstan, Caucasus, Tajikistan, Turkmenistan and Uzbekistan. A levels. I better not screw this up like how I screw everything up. 2013 is going to suck. I'm freezing. we are two halves that don't fit. death is life's best reward. if I have left a wound inside you it is not just your wound but mine as well. happy fucking new year.

xx

countdown

head is throbbing. down with fever. finally got myself a few plans tmrw. I keep forgetting to kill myself. what's with the weather I feel the need to sock someone really hard in their ribs. maybe then I'll make a dent. impactful. piercing is healing well. all physical. still can't decide which plan to go with. foooooddd I need foood noww. or maybe sleep??

xx

http://www.formspring.me/Neenarz

ANYONE WANTS TO ENTERTAIN ME ON FS PLZ DO SO

6 impossible things before breakfast

2nd last day of 2012 and I still have no plans for nye or new years lol. 6everalone haha. I haven't been doing much lately, which is worrying. all I've been doing is pimping and doodling on my 2013 planner.  I have this weird amazement for tearing paper and photocopiers. the act of paper tearing is so fascinating and/or therapeutic and it's weird how no matter how much tape you use and how much you try to piece torn paper back, it just doesn't look the same. when I look at photocopiers it's baffling how they work. can't imagine if I was a photocopier. I also have this weird preference for matte stuff, even matte scotch tape. my whole planner is overflowing with bizarre random quotes and torn excerpts from Alice in Wonderland. listening to shm in preparation for their concert, quite excited since it's gna be the "last" party before I actually get down to studying. I shall go get food now. and maybe think of something to do for countdown lol bye.

xx

I don't think it's morally right for me to be feeling this way. I really don't think it's physically possible for anyone to be this attractive. I really want to get to know you but it's not right if I do...right? anyway, it's not like you're going to notice me so I should just give it up. 

xx

"hearts should be like bird cages. when you let a bird in and it flies out, what can you do? polish the cage, clean it up and continue keeping it in good condition so that when it flies back, it is better than before."

know what I fucking hate? Liars.

.

have never been so angry in my entire life before. just wna fucking rip someone's head off. everyone should just piss off. fuck every single one of you.

seaweed song

Some day you'll see/ Surrounded by angels/ Floating atop of the sea/ Abandon me/ Don't go where they go/ Don't sing all the songs they sing/ Nobody knows you the way you know you/ But I think I do/ But I thought I knew/ Yeah, I thought I knew/ Nobody knows you the way you know you/ But I think I do/ But I thought I knew/ Yeah, I thought I knew/ Between these walls/ Her back, strange glimpse, casts shadows frighteningly tall/ I slow to a crawl/ I jump and I yell but she hears nothing at all/ Stay, stay the same/ 'Cause everything else will change/ And I've always been to blame/ So please just stay the same/ The currents pull me in/ The tide has reached my chin/ The seaweed tickles skin/ Just let the water win/ I'm freezing to the bone/ You'll never be at home/ Just watch, you're running out/ Just watch your body go


thank you for everything. people may talk rubbish about us but who cares, we know what's going on and we are happy the way we are. I don't care if you don't.

xx

love has already torn us apart now enjoy the division

waste

work training was fun today. can't wait to start work on saturday! just email-ed the editor of JUICE about internship after As ahh hope I get a reply soon. feels pretty good to plan out my life at least in the short run. I know it probably wouldn't turn out the way I planned it but I guess I just like how reassuring it feels to know what might be in store. at least I wouldn't be like a headless being just groping blindly in the dark. uncertainty often creates fear and fear leads to the inability and unwillingness to partake so I guess it's good I start charting the possibilities earlier? Hahaha. 

xx

grey

• 
  

• Wesley: There is a line, Lilah, black and white, good and evil.
• Lilah: Funny thing about black and white. You mix it together and you get grey. And it doesn't matter how much white you try and put back in, you're never gonna get anything but grey.

I like where we are now. I like what we are now. can't wait for the new school term to begin. Occupy Occupy Occupy. as long as I occupy this space within me I'll be fine. not happy not good not sad not bad just fine. work training tmrw with wans, lex and keith. gna pimp my doc marts in the morning and film it. collected some of my online purchases today. transparent rain boots, knit pullover and a tote bag. shall vlog about it. shan't leave the house anymore unless it's for productive reasons. discipline is key. I'm broke anyway. really need to finish up my holiday homework. can't stand this feeling of lagging behind. so many holes to fill. adds to the glaring inadequacy. every single day is just a futile attempt to patch up the fresh holes I dig in myself too often. thank you to those who are trying. I am trying too.

xx

all time nothing

going to get a job tmrw so I can get enough money for a navel piercing. everyone's asking me why I randomly want a navel piercing. I guess I just want to feel something, anything. I just wna start over on a clean slate. I'm stuck in a really messy patch in my life right now. I know I need to focus on As, and that's exactly what I'm doing which is what scares me, because I've stopped paying attention to anything else, especially myself. I guess this mechanic way of life is easier, hurts less too. doesn't hurt at all in fact. too many people/things in my life now. can't stand all this clutter. can't wait for school to begin so I can at least pretend I'm too busy to care. can't wait to see you on thursday. just need you to make everything better and make everything stop. 

xx

When You Are Old // W. B. Yeats

When you are old and grey and full of sleep/ And nodding by the fire, take down this book/ And slowly read, and dream of the soft look/ Your eyes had once, and of their shadows deep/ How many loved your moments of glad grace/ And loved your beauty with love false or true/ But one man loved the pilgrim soul in you/ And loved the sorrows of your changing face/ And bending down beside the glowing bars/ Murmur, a little sadly, how Love fled/ And paced upon the mountains overhead/ And hid his face amid a crowd of stars.

xx