monochrome

we speak a kind of arcane language a sort of semantic geometry in which the shortest distance between two points is a circle/ it is blood that moves the body, words are not meant to stir the air only/ they are capable of moving greater things/ i remember what it's like to be in love before any of love's complexities or realities or disturbances have entered to dilute it's splendor and challenge it's perfection/ rather than a universe of neatly reciprocating pairs, love and love returned/ fluttering through space and time symmetrically like pairs of butterfly wings. instead we get chains of yearning which sprawl and meander and culminate in an infinite number of dead ends/ what is the point of being everywhere but seeing nothing. are these places no more to us than a collection of dog-eared maps in retrospect?/ memory becomes a partner i nurture it hold it, dance with it./ we will lead our own lives but be a constant in each other's/ monochromatic colors of greyscale, is that not what we all are?

xx

hideout

just wna be in fetal position forever until I expire. do humans expire like food? do we rot from the inside out or from the outside in? been feeling very unsettled and jumpy these past few weeks. not sure why. it's like an itch deep in my bones. I just can't pinpoint what exactly is making me feel this way. I don't know. I don't know. why can't I talk to people. why do I want to curl up in a ball peel off all my skin scratch my eyelids till they bleed cut up all my hair pluck out all my nails and take apart every part of my body every single time I open my mouth to try to talk to someone. I will go to bed now.

xx

sign me up Santa Fe

I don't understand why the worst things happen to the best people. I don't understand why the best things happen to the worst people. the best way out is always through.I don't understand why the worst things happen to the best people. I am weak. I don't understand why the worst things happen to the best people. I am tired. I don't understand why the worst things happen to the best people. every single day is just spent counting down and catching up. what if we lived backwards? what if we lived every event backwards? like we live the end of an event before the beginning, and make the end the beginning? like we knew what was going to happen because we've lived it before. would we still live it then? I don't think I'm making sense. I don't understand why the worst things happen to the best people.

xx

Marching Bands Of Manhattan

If I could open my arms

And span the length of the isle of Manhattan,

I'd bring it to where you are

Making a lake of the East River and Hudson

If I could open my mouth

Wide enough for a marching band to march out

They would make your name sing

And bend through alleys and bounce off all the buildings.

I wish we could open our eyes

To see in all directions at the same time

Oh what a beautiful view

If you were never aware of what was around you

And it is true what you said

That I live like a hermit in my own head

But when the sun shines again

I'll pull the curtains and blinds to let the light in.

Sorrow drips into your heart through a pinhole

Just like a faucet that leaks and there is comfort in the sound

But while you debate half empty or half full

It slowly rises, your love is gonna drown [4x]

Your love is gonna drown [4x]

Your love is gonna...

-

I'm never going to be loved. children don't play with damaged toys. 

sleep alone

Know

My only goal is to see

When I'm only fast asleep

It takes more than strength to find

This peace of mind

So I'll hold, hold, hold

Hold it close to my heart

Beating with every step

Hold, hold, hold it close

He sleeps alone

He needs no army where he's headed

'Cause he knows

That they're just ghosts

And they can't hurt him

If he can't see them, oh

And I may go

To places I have never been to

Just to find

The deepest desires in my mind

We, we only know what we see

'Cause we're always fast asleep

Is it so hard not to believe

That we'll never know?

Oh hold, hold, hold

Hold me close

I've never been this far from home

Hold, hold, hold me close

He sleeps alone

He needs no army where he's headed

'Cause he knows

That they're just ghosts

And they can't hurt him

If he can't see them, oh

And I may go

To places I have never been to

Just to find

The deepest desires in my mind

It's in my head

And I have said

That I must be like him now

He sleeps alone

He sleeps alone

And one last chance

To make sense

Of what has long escaped us

He sleeps alone

I sleep alone

He sleeps alone

He needs no army where he's headed

'Cause he knows

That they're just ghosts

And they can't hurt him

If he can't see them, oh

And I don't know

If in the morning I will be here

And if so

Let it be known

That I was worthy

I was worthy

I was worthy

I was

j j jaded

I'M NOT MOODY I'M MOOD-LESS WHEN WILL PEOPLE GET IT. everyone needs to leave me alone. I guess this whole being alone thing is working out just fine. outdoor PE. I need to focus. I need to ignore everything around me and f o c u s. jack of all trades. I need to take away all distractions. not going for SHM anymore. master of none. remove myself from every single equation out there. have faith in me. I like the weather. I hope it never stops raining. I do want to take a hot shower though. great dinner and conversation with izzat. intellectually stimulating. It's comforting. comforting to know that two people can share a conversation or just sit in silence and still understand each other. very motivated now. really want to do well for myself and for the few people who have faith in me. have faith in me. I don't have faith in me. can't let everyone down like I always do. script editing with bryson after school tmrw. I am very hungry. I am very tired. zzz

xx

x

isolation?

never ever felt so alone. I'm starting to bleed solitude. I can feel detachment seep through my pores and loneliness course through my veins slowly but surely towards my godforsaken heart. I find myself peering into, looking, searching, rummaging my desolate soul in a desperate attempt to dig up something, anything, only to find blackholes. too many blackholes I cannot count them. putrid, rotten, sour, decomposed, rancid, stale, decaying, festering. I feel like a wound that's left out in the open for too long. flies are starting to gather. maggots. did you know that bush flies remain joined together for 80 minutes when mating? pretty amazing. I don't know what else to do except to keep running. maybe this is for the better and there are better things in store for me. I need to drown. 

xx

INFJ

same difference

maybe it's because you've never had to fight for anything in your life. people like you don't understand why people like me feel so strongly for certain things. maybe it's because you've never had to fight for anything in your life. there are 722 miles of subway tracks in New York City. Abraham Lincoln died at age 56.  maybe it's because you've never had to fight for anything in your life. we are more than different. we are not the same because we are different. we are different because we are the same. we are similar because we are different. we are same in different ways. we are different in the same ways. we are same. we are different. maybe it's because you've never had to fight for anything in your life.

xx

careless love // camera obscura

Honey, I've been really struggling to think of you
And I being friends.

I blow hot and cold, I'm like a yo-yo
So I don't think I should see you again

Careless love and acting tough
It wasn't my style I had enough
I don't think that we can really be friends

Honey I've been really struggling to think of you
And I and all the mess
You're often bought and sold
The love you gave ebb and flows
So I don't think I should see you again.

Careless love and acting tough
It wasn't my style, I had enough
Oh I don't think that we can really be friends
But I'll try again

The love I feel for you is real
The love I feel for you is real

Honey, I've been really struggling
To see this thing through to the end.
Careless love and acting tough
It wasn't my style I had enough
Oh I don't think that we can really be friends.

But I'll try again.

no sense nonsense

great day with qi and che today. still sick. crazy weather. couldn't believe I just went on and on about my thoughts to che. got drenched outside coffeebean. didn't mind. my verbalized thoughts are so jarring. lovely company. I need to remember that nobody gives two fucks about what I have to say. I love it when it rains. think I drowned her with my nonsense. I feel bad now. went to see a doctor in the morning and motherfucker thought I was insane. when I open my mouth to speak it scares me how scarred I sound. there's just something about a thunderstorm that gets to me. my words are so vulgar. he prescribed me anti-depressants and anti-anxiety pills. maybe it's because there are boundless thunderstorms inside me. my speech is so coarse, so offensive. I think the doctor's insane. not alot of things stir me like thunderstorms do. ate my favourite noodles. drank my favourite drink.  no wonder no one listens. craving for a donut. my thoughts scare me. I scare me. 

xx

thun·der·storm

 [thuhn-der-stawrm] 

noun

a transient storm of lightning and thunder, usually with rain andgusty winds, sometimes with hail or snow, produced bycumulonimbus clouds.

Also called electrical storm.

Origin: 
1645–55; thunder + storm

thun·der

 [thuhn-der] 

noun

1.

a loud, explosive, resounding noise produced by the explosive expansion of air heated by a lightning discharge.

storm

 [stawrm] 

noun

1.

a disturbance of the normal condition of the atmosphere,manifesting itself by winds of unusual force or direction, often accompanied by rain, snow, hail, thunder, and lightning, orflying sand or dust.

2.

a heavy fall of rain, snow, or hail, or a violent outbreak of thunder and lightning, unaccompanied by strong winds.

3.

Also called violent storm. Meteorology . a wind of 64–72 miles per hour (29–32 m/sec).

light·ning

 [lahyt-ning] noun

noun

1.

a brilliant electric spark discharge in the atmosphere, occurringwithin a thundercloud, between clouds, or between a cloud and the ground.

穷到怕

I will get there soon and when I do, all of you will regret it. few more days left till school starts. sick. not good to be sick. all the humiliation I've been put through makes me scared, sick even. I'm afraid and I don't want to go back where I came from. I'm sick. few more months to go. 

xx

A casual stroll through the lunatic asylum shows that faith does not prove anything.
 - Friedrich Nietzsche

2013